“ Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end the journey is the destination.
Here’s to the Future…
Future as defined by the oh so intelligent Merriam Webster is a time that is to come and what is to happen in that time. This future should be an expectation of advancement and I think now… I can finally move toward it. Tonight I said things that have been in my heart and in my mind for the last three months. I was hoping, wishing, and praying that it would all lead to an acknowledgment, a mutual understanding of the event that changed everything. But the funny thing about life is that nothing goes the way you plan, and that sucks.
For three months I have held on to the whispers of a dream, a dream that I have had for my future. In that dream I would grow, she would grow and somehow God would show us a path to each other and then it will be perfect. But tonight that subtle whisper that I have held on so long to, was blown away. It’s gone for good and it’s never coming back and that to, sucks.
It’s gone because in the three months that I have held on to it, you have really, truly moved on from us, moved on from me, moved on from what we had, all of it and that’s good for you it shows your maturity. However, it just sucks to now know that you don’t feel the same way around me as I do around you. Because if your heart raced when we were near each other, if the smell of my cologne made your mind as fuzzy as your perfume, if the sight of my smile and the sound of my laugh made you feel as warm and safe, then you would not say the things that you said. You would not believe there isn’t a future for us because there would be something in your gut telling you that I am the guy you should be with, just as mine told me you are the girl I should be with.
Tonight my heart flat lined when I realized that this would be the night it would be well and truly over for us. Tonight ended all the thoughts about future and destiny and want and need because tonight I realized that you don’t see a future for us, because you don’t want to see a future for us. With that said I guess, now I can finally let go of you, which is something I never wanted to do. But I can’t hold on to something that no longer exists, so thank you for this last thing that you taught me, thank you for teaching me to Move On.
“ Do not look back and grieve on the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled by the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.” - Ida Scott Taylor
Words as if they were from my own mouth
My Studying Music
For the longest time Classical Music has become what I listen to in order to be focused, however over time I realized that listening to soothing tunes at three o’clock in the morning was not a good idea if I’m trying to stay awake. So I moved on to house music. It seemed like a good idea at the time because it kept me energized but yet again overtime something just wasn’t right about it. Just now as I am reading Genesis for my philosophy class I realize the music I need to study is Praise Music. I have been so long with out my BLD community that it hadn’t hit me that this is what I have needed for so long, not only to just study but to remind myself to be strong throughout all the tough times and to persevere.
“So what can I do
What can I say
But offer this heart
Completely to you”
These are the lyrics I have needed to hear for a long time.
Going Back…
I came home to handle some personal business, however the allure of the backyard was to much for me to ignore. As I stepped through the six and a half foot, white door I feel a sense of nostalgia coming on. I found myself walking to the crevice of the concrete paving that marks exactly 15 feet from the hoop and this is what I see.
The thoughts and emotions that came after were unimaginably intense. As I looked at this all to familiar sight a rush of memories of every shot I took races through my mind and once that initial thought had passed, I looked around and experienced a flashback of every significant event that transpired there.
In the brief moments that I was standing I remember everything, and I laughed because this was where I used to go to analyze my problems. Ever since my sophomore year in high school this is the image I always looked at whenever something troubled me and somehow being at the line always calmed my spirit.
It’s crazy to think that after all this time my body… my soul knows exactly where I should be to just think. I didn’t intend on going outside to contemplate my plan, or what I should do about my pain and how I should go about it. But that’s when I realized that this court is not just twenty feet of concrete and an eighty dollar hoop… This court is the key to unlocking the container of thoughts I keep bottled within my heart and mind… This court is a part of me.
I remember…
I grew up simple… and plain… and completely ordinary,
But being with her made me feel like I could be more, more than I could have ever imagined for myself.
I remember all the times where she would purposely perfectly correct every single pointless imperfection in my sentences, and how my ridiculous ramblings of radical issues used to make us laugh till our lungs lifted our chests… so high we couldn’t take another breath.
I remember how I loved, each and every day we had to the fullest, how every new experience shared made me feel so incredibly conscious of how subconsciously my love for her grew, and how every minute spent together became a new magical and momentous occasion that would later be transcribed into our track record of crazy events that never made any sense.
I remember the day she helped bring the Big Man back into the twisted tangled congested and confused ecosystem known as my soul. That day changed everything about me, he unhinged, he unlocked, reopened and unblocked every crevice, every door, every little nook and cranny of my torn and unclean being. He returned to me my elusive beliefs in his prominently perfect powers, his undying loyalty, and his never-ending aid in the pursuit of my happiness.
I remember how happy being with her made me and how every silly sappy story she told used to make me smile so wide my cheeks would hurt. How every bat of her eyelashes or every flip of her hair reminded me of how incredibly beautiful she really was.
But, I also remember her absence, I was here and she was there, all that we had were these two pieces of technology to transmit all the tremendous thoughts and trials we faced throughout our days. We would talk hours on end about people, places, buildings and faces; everything… Everything big, everything small even stupid shit that didn’t matter to us at all.
However, over time I couldn’t take the distance. The sound of her voice over the phone just wasn’t enough for me anymore… I remember wishing so much that I could shove my body through the 16 inch screen of my laptop and somehow mystically appear next to her or how I wish I could take the power of some random superhero with teleporting capabilities just so that being away from her… Would be something of the past.
I remember how much it killed me when we weren’t together. All the punishing and painful reminders that she couldn’t be in my arms whenever I wanted, made themselves so dominant in my mind. It came to the point where being unhappy was a daily routine, because being together would be the only thing, that could satisfy my incredible hunger of her presence.
Even now as we stand apart I wish it wasn’t so, I wished, I still wish, and will continue to wish that one day down the road we will not just find happiness, but maybe find happiness with each other. Even if its just a friendship. So that one day I won’t need to remember why I’m happy. So that one day… I just will be.
And that’s my first attempt at spoken word poetry.
Thanks for that… It was exactly what I need to hear
Why…
You know that feeling when you try so hard to achieve something and yet regardless it escapes you. People tell you “You should have had that,” and you just say “No it’s okay I’m fine” When all the while you know, and they know…
You’re not. The question is Why…
It’s a feeling I get a lot in my life and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I have been putting my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole being on the table as of late and it never seems to be enough. The question is Why…
People say “It’s okay you got the other one,” But did I really? If circumstances were different if more people tried would I still have gotten it, or would I have lost. I only got that one because there was no one else who tried, so did I deserve it?
The question is Why…
I don’t know what to think of myself anymore. A thought that always comes to mind is “I’m not good enough.” And people can tell me as much as they want to not feel that way, but not a single one of them can tell me why.
The question still stands, Why…
I wish I could figure out why I can never get what I want when I openly choose to work for it. My whole life it seems like I can ONLY be given things. Why is it when I fight I can never win I put everything I had in front of me tonight and I still lost and I just need to know why.
What’s wrong with me, why can’t I succeed through myself. If anyone can answer that please enlighten me.
“I try and I try but I never succeed, What must I do get on my knees and plead? Plead, beg, ask, should I try to be someone else maybe put on a mask? Why can’t I stand on my own two feet fight for what I want and actually get it.Legit I just try to grit my teeth and push on through. But whats the point when all I do… is lose, plop down in defeat and watch someone else take that which would make me feel complete. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, just so that I would know and could stop thinking to myself “That I’m not good enough”“
There are still many of you who will post naked girls, puppies, or some other viral videos rather than this.
Let’s come together as a community and put forward an effort to make a change…
You may have already seen this viral campaign spread like wild fire…but it’s never too much or too late to take a stand. Whether you’ve seen this video or not, gain awareness of issues in other parts of the world.
Spread compassion and love. Let’s help put an end to this!
What moves U? This definitely moves us!
mL is on this!
Hey Dance Community! Let’s do something Coast to Coast to help Invisible Children and the Kony 2012 MOVEMENT!
